Boy, have I got a lot to learn. About myself, about God, about life in general. And I think it's about time I started learning it. See, here's the thing. I keep getting in the way of my own progress. It seems like every time I take a step forward, I turn around and my next step forward is in the opposite direction. Reminds me of a Relient K song. Anyway, the point is that great things keep happening, pushing me forward, and then I stall out, I get bogged down in something or other, and I end up no better off than before. Let me start by working through what's led up to the high point: I've been finding myself more and more drawn towards wanting to know God better, and have a deeper relationship with Him. Over the last several weeks, this has continued to get stronger, and then for some reason it became more difficult. Now I've had numerous encouraging words from people who I respect and that as well as other things has led me to believe that this is a pivotal and critical point in my life... one that will shape the course of my future, or continue my wallowing in the past. My resolve has been strengthened from without, but weakened from within. I want to fight the spiritual virus that has consumed me... I cry out to God my Saviour... and He hears me. Somehow I know that He hears my cry, from the slope I've begun to slide down... "Save me!" I shout, with the voice of my spirit, and His arms are around me again, ready to carry me back to try once more, to have another run at it. Why so many second chances? What is so special about me in particular that would make the eternal, all-powerful God, want me to be His? And then I realize, at least somewhere in my mind I realize, that He loves me... and to Him, that's all that matters. My chains are no more difficult for Him to break now than they were before. As in the vision that I have seen in my mind many times, I am locked in a stone room, chained in a chair in the very centre. I know that the chains, as well as the cell, are of my own making. I also know that I have struggled against these chains unsuccessfully, even while wrapping more around myself. In my vision, I cry out for freedom, I cry out to the only one who can save me, my rescuer, Jesus Christ. He knows exactly where to find me, indeed, He knows me all too well. He knows what each of those chains represents, can I imagine for a second that He will save me anyway? And yet He does. He comes in my vision as a radiant white... I don't know how to explain Him, but He smashes through the walls I have placed between us as if they were made of styrofoam. His sword flashes faster than sight, cutting my chains away like paper, or I wonder now, does it burn them away? Because I can't see them anywhere. This is my conquering hero, my Lord and Saviour, my friend. Each time I hear Him telling me that I am free, and there is no need to be bound any more. I know I am the only one who can replace those chains... the chains I had become used to, and which I loathe beyond all hatred words can describe. Now I step beyond my vision, back to the physical world, where I apply the results. I revel in my freedom for a while, and then, remembering the old comfort, I begin to fashion my chains again, link by link. I begin to build my walls again, stone by stone. This is the cycle I must break, and I must break it now! Right now, I can feel the walls, the chains, the comfort beginning to return, and I want to put a stop to it. No, with God's help I will put a stop to it. I have too much to accomplish to waste my time, and God's time, messing around with this foolish game any longer. I ask that anyone reading this would pray with me for victory, that I would take action, and fulfill my commitment to make God my first desire and grow closer to Him each day. I hope that by opening up, I might help someone else who might be going through something similar. God can find you wherever you are, and the walls and chains you build are no more difficult for God than mine are. Trust in Him, and He will always come through.

(When I started this post, I didn't know where I was going with it, but somehow, through it I managed to work out some things in my mind, and I'm glad this is where it ended up. I know God will prevail in my life, and I will become the man I was born to be.)

God bless you all,
Andrew out.